My co-workers got me a birthday cake, celebration at 3pm in the breakroom. Little did they know (nor did I) that the purpose of my prior meeting at 2pm with my manager was to lay me off. I was escorted out, I am in the parking lot, one of them just texted me now, photo of cake, saying they are “eating it in my memory”. hahaha I even requested that they all wear Hawaiian shirts, including me, so I got fired wearing my f___ing flowery Hawaiian shirt. Needless to say, I got no cake either.

Earth’s most passive aggressive client contracted my company for a web app to assist in hiring. Users send employment applications to qualified applicants. These applications include an invitation with one or both employment contracts the company offers. The user selects which contract(s) to send during the invitation. While testing the product a user accidentally selected both contracts, so they logged this bug about it:

Doesn’t he have to choose to invite me for both contracts for both contracts to appear? Yes he should. Both contracts should not appear unless we invite for both. Right?

[Ed: That’s right moron, and he did invite for both.]

…over the last six months these two [Social Networking] “professionals” have spent most of their time strong-arming employees who have large social followings (including myself) into giving them our social usernames and passwords for personal accounts, so they can Tweet and Post things on our behalf without our permission.

I noticed in my LinkedIn timeline that the two new employees…are connected with each other on LinkedIn . . . as of 10 minutes ago. The social marketers we hired and are paying a combined six-figure salary believe in the power of Social Marketing so much that they didn’t even bother connecting with EACH OTHER until seven months after they were hired.

It is with great pleasure that I announce that [CEO] has been presented with the [name of corporate overlord] [name of bullshit award] in the past month.

This is a great honor not only for [CEO] but for all of us here at [facility name].  Each year [corporate overlord] recognizes achievements of their facilities.  A Chairman’s Council Award is presented to the CEO based on a review of their performance indicators as it relates to clinical and financial indicators as well as employee and patient satisfaction.  A CEO who received the Chairman’s Council Award three times is then presented with the [name of bullshit award].  This award has been presented three times throughout [corporate overlord’s] history however [CEO] is the only CEO to be presented the [bullshit] award three times in a row which leads to his presentation at the [corporate overlord] CEO meeting of the [super-bullshit-three-timer award]. At the presentation [CEO] was recognized for his leadership role in [this industry].

The [bullshit medal associated with the super-bullshit-three-timer bullshit award] will be displayed in our lobby once we obtain a protective glass case for it.  Please join me in congratulating [CEO] for his dedication and achievements.

So, at the bottom of every email my boss ends me is his signature. At the very bottom of the signature, it says:

“T.E.A.M. Together Each Achieves More”

By achieving more he must mean that the employee spends his time back pedaling all of his bosses mistakes and errors?

This just in…

So, I had my annual evaluation yesterday. Well, every year without fail, they change my department around (I work for a PR firm). My job stays EXACTLY the same every year, but they call it something different every time.

Drum roll please…

This year I am… “Inter-Departmental Dynamic Motivational Officer“

I work for an ad agency a while ago which opened a new department who was tasked operating a new facet of our client relations.  The group was organized as such.

• VP
• Director of Sales (me)
• Director of Account management
  • Account manger 1
  • Account manger 2
  • Account manger 3

Well after about a month of this the VP decided she has had enough and quits and then promptly goes on vacation.  A day later the Director of Account manager also quits.  But the company really doesn’t want her to leave so they offer her the position of VP of the Department and an incentive to say, which she accepts.

Return the original VP back from her refreshing vacation, during which she apparently discovered that being unemployed is not what it’s cracked up to be and promptly informs the company that she is staying.  So they say ok, and she is made Executive VP.

Now the department looks like this:

• Exec VP
• VP
• Director of Sales (me)
• No Manager
  • Account manger 1
  • Account manger 2
  • Account manger 3

Now nothing gets done and I have an extra boss.

Our company hired some consultants to review our accounting software and procedures. One of them was a midget, but that’s not the funny part.

What’s funny is I found out the cost of the consultant group was $75,000. Their report said our accounting software is crap but we don’t have the budget leftover (after we paid them) to upgrade the software, convert to new software, or take action on most of their recommendations.

What’s even funnier is we’re hiring them to review us again next year.

We have a large group of our team who are leaving us for various reasons by the end of this week/month. We would like to have a get together tomorrow at the Big Fat Greek Restaurant at 11:30 a.m. to say our goodbyes and wish them all well in their future endeavors.

It is a pay for your own event. The managers will pick up the bill for the departing personnel.

Dear BS Job, three months ago my boss told us that we would produce a draft without discussing the project requirements with the VP first, in our boss’ words to “show we’re innovative”. Then we’d share the project with upper management, “wow them” and “invite feedback”. [Ed: I love how ‘feedback’ basically means ‘harsh criticism’ these days.] We did so, delivered on-time no less, and it sat on the veep’s desk for nearly a month. A week before product launch, VP looks at our draft, tells us it’s all wrong, and we have to redo EVERYTHING! Of course the veep blames our boss and the boss blames us, even though we did everything we were told.